Child too much like me....

I have three daughters. One makes me feel very old, one makes me feel like a teenager again and one makes me feel young....I have one daughter that is too much like me that at times scare me, other times worry me and other times makes me sad. She is very, very shy, unable to make friends because of the shyness, speaks her mind at times that could come off judgmental, uncomfortable with herself that she doesn't know what to say when around people and can't seem to see how wonderful and great she is. It is her birthday today.... Because of our financial issues, we were unable to "celebrate" the way I wanted to. Of course, she says that it was okay (which really means I want to feel special, but again I get nothing), but I question if she really feels that. See it is hard to know what she really feels because like me, she never wants to put pressure on me and her dad, never wants us to feel bad that she can't get this or that (She is a girl and a teenager. They want stuff!!). She never wants to be a burden and sacrifices herself so many times. She has to constantly give up things because of your situation, but rarely does she tell us. What hurts really is deep down I know how she feels and I as her mother passed that on to her. When I wanted children, I never wanted them to feel like they were a burden, I always wanted them to feel special and know that they are loved. Too many times when I was growing up I never felt I was wanted or loved. I was left alone unlimited amount of hours on all days, including the major holidays and my birthday... Here history has repeated itself and I left her home alone today. Yes, I had appointments that I had to go to for my other child, then I had to go to the store, etc.; all good reasons, right? I still left her home alone. I wanted to break the cycle, but all I did was add another clink to the chain....

Forgive and Forget?????Is that possible?

How many times should you forgive? How many times should "we" be forgiven? I have asked myself these questions for many months now, and I would love to say I have the answers, but I don't. Jesus forgives us for what we do, and if we are to be like Christ, shouldn't we forgive too. What should you do if someone continually hurts you, does that still apply? Where does unconditional love come from? There have been people in my life that I have hurt and people in my life that have hurt me. I am at a point today that I would love to say that I have totally forgiven those that have hurt me and they have forgiven me, but that is not true. My mind is full of reasons why and why not, but can't seem to be clear on the exact answers. I miss the time that we shared, but can't seem to get past the hurt that was done. I sit here wondering, does she miss me, too? My negative side says no. She has gone on with her life and put me in her past; never to be thought of again. I am like that. Do I just throw people aside and never revisit our relationship because of some hurtful words? I look at my face in the mirror and wonder.....forgiveness.......noun or verb....???????

Give me words to speak

1/4/2010 started the journey of taking my oldest daughter to college away from home(to be exact 1,000 miles away from home). There are so many thoughts going through my mind.
Have I, as her mother, taught her diligently as Deu 6:7 teaches?Have I taught her by example to be a follower of Christ, even it means standing alone except the Lord?
Will she depart now that she is older, away from her parents rules and supervision? Will see think wisely when making decisions or just live on the spur of the moment not thinking of consequences? Will she continue to follow Him?
As I count the hours down and watch the miles get closer to her new path, I can't help to wonder why I can't be more like a mother bird. Mother birds sit on their baby eggs until they hatch, then they teach the babies how to eat, how to get their food and then when the time is right, they push their babies out of the nest to teach them to fly. After that, that mother bird is ready and lets their babies leave home for good to start their life. I wish I could be like that mother bird.
Our job as a parent is to work ourselves out of a job, right? Well, I am not ready to give up that job..
I am discovering that I am not like that mother bird. I want to grab my "baby's" wings or hands or whatever I can get my hands on to her here in my nest. It is too soon.
Father Give me Words to Speak.
There just wasn't enough time. There is so much more I want to teach her, but now I must be like that momma bird and do what I know I must down. Put her in our heavenly Father's care (where she has always been anyway) and let her start this wonderful journey!
Tomorrow (1/5/2010) is the day. Can I do it?
Of course in my head I know I can because He is there for me too. I just wish my heart would learn that too.